Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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