I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
