Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Randomize
