my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
