oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
