Betty ford says i'm here all night
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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