If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
