Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
