I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
