Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Randomize
