My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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