I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
