i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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