I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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