I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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