3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
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and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
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If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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