Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
