my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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