My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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