and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
They are going to name an STD after you.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
