So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
