So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
