I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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