im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Randomize
