The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
