proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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