i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
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How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
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Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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