I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
