When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
