So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
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She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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