Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
