the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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