we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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