You're my little dorito
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
