so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
