I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
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