I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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