i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
