ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
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He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
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Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
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