I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
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