i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
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