Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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