Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
