Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
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I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
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I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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