I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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