This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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