rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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