Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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