You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
