i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
