ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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