M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
