I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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