he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Houston, we have a blender
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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