Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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